Pity Party

That's what I'm having right now. I'm feeling overwhelmed and I'm not able to feel positive about it all right now. There are so many things that need done, that are behind, and I can't catch up anytime soon! Today I finally broke down & cried. I'm so overwhelmed & I feel so tired. All I want to do is lie down & go to sleep, I guess to escape it all. We've had no free time these past few weeks and everything is piling up. I gained 2 lbs this week! 2 lbs despite the fact that I've been busy, busy. So busy that I haven't even had time to be on Facebook! I have 4 loads of laundry in baskets in my living room waiting to be folded & put up. That's not counting the load in the dryer, the 2 loads on the line, and the load in the washer. The house needs dusted, and cobwebs swept. I haven't touched my school in almost 2 weeks. This is why I'm STILL buying extensions because I don't stick to it daily & before i know weeks go by before I get back to it. I really want to just quit because it's so stressful knowing that it's there waiting for me & that we are paying for me to be able to finish it. I promised my husband that I would finish though and the idea of letting him down when he's been so patient about the whole thing is even more stressful. I have no idea how I will work even if I finish, but if I don't finish then all this money is definitely wasted. At least if I finish I'll have the certificate to be able to get a job at some point if I can or want to. I've lost motivation in it. I got so down on myself & about school when I was struggling so hard with the English classes. I'm not one of those people who could just put in the right answers & get through it if I wasn't actually getting it. I can't keep any kind of schedule anymore. Not with my school work, with myself, with my 2 yr old, none of it. I'm here, there, everywhere & I know that's part of why I'm losing so much time during the day & things aren't getting done. I believe this is also why my son has started being such a whiny butt and brat because there's no scheduling for his eating, naps, playtime, it's too chaotic for him too. I try to have a schedule, but seems something always comes and interrupts it or I let it. I don't know. On top of that I'm trying to lose weight & that's always hard. The yard is over a month behind b/c of all the rain so it's taking forever. My plants that I bought are dying b/c they need to be planted. There is just so much to do & I can't figure out where to start or what's more important. All I want is to sit down, spend sometime with my husband, who I miss so much, relax, and enjoy life a little rather than rushing through it all day until I crash in bed. Need to put this pity party to rest, at least for now, and try to get something done, or else there will just be more to do later.

Free time? what is that?!!

That's what I think every time my kids or my ex thinks I have all this free time! Well if I do where the heck is it??? Believe me I would be thrilled to have all the free time they seem to think I have! The only thing I can figure is that because I don't have a job where I get a paycheck is why they think I have so much free time.

Yesterday my 13 yr old says "you don't go to they Y during the day either?" It's his first day home with me after school is let out & he's worried about doing things because he's bored all ready! I told the kids I'd love to be bored once in awhile, I miss being bored!

I don't understand how the kids can think I have so much "free" time? They see me cleaning, mowing, doing yard work, they know i'm still in school, they know I have a 2 yr old and they know how much running we do for them between sports & friends. So how can they not see that I don't have all this free time. I haven't scrapbooked in over 6 yrs now! I barely get my cross-stitch projects done for gifts, and haven't even started any of the one's I want for myself, including Bryan's birth certificate. Last week I barely got to see my husband for more than 10 min to talk to each other. The kids are coming & going & he has no idea why, to where, or for how long, because we're too busy to share information! We had to schedule a weekend away in a cabin just to guarantee some alone time! The kids also know that now I'm doing even more cleaning because I go tired of all the aggravation & frustration over trying to get them to help out. For 4 yrs we had a chore rotation between the 3, and the whole time it was nothing, but arguing & yelling. It's faster for me to do it than to try and make them do it.

My ex seems to think I have a lot of free time too. he's always leaving my son with me whenever my son has a game on his weekend because he's too busy with work or other things to take him. He told my son last week that if we would just mow our entire yard at one time it wouldn't get so high! Really, giving me yard work pointers? When we have 3 acres & he has barely an acre! Our grass is extremely high, but it has nothing to do with us being lazy, or not mowing it all at once. It has everything to do with all the rain we've had for the last month & the fact that at least 4 other properties around us drain into our yard. We haven't mowed because it's been too wet & it will tear up our yard if we tried before. Even now it's been 5 days of sunshine only & when I mow there is still mud & even standing water in places still! When my son was telling me what the ex said I was thinking-well if you would take your son to his games on your weekends I might just have time to work on my yard more! When my son is only gone 1 night every other weekend though & we are responsible for all 4 kids' running in the mean time how are we supposed to have the 10 yrs or more it takes to mow our yard at one time!

I want free time, I want it so badly! I want to go hiking again with my hubby, I want to walk with my hubby, I want to play bad minton with my kids in the evening, I want to sit outside and enjoy the sunset, I want to scrapbook, and I want to go do fun things with my kids in the summer. I can't do all those things though when the grass is almost 4 feet tall, then has to be raked, then mowed again b/c it's still too tall. I can't when I have vegetable plants & flowers that need planted and the flower beds are still half filled with weeds. I can't when I haven't touched my school work for almost 2 weeks. I can't when the laundry is so backed up that we don't have clothes or towels, or there are no clean dishes in the cabinet! If everyone else would do what they are supposed to-pick up their kid, pick up after themselves, help out around the house, I just might squeeze in a little free time for some fun & relaxation. Well it's time to go, gotta pick up the oldest from drivers ed, then home for yard work & school!